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On love and hearteache.

So what does it mean to be in love? I see celeb pictures that spells love all over them. Like my fave couple for example,Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron. Man,I envy all their pictures. You can see it in their eyes how much they love each other. They say it’s publicity. And if that’s true,they sure are good in acting. Of course, I have friends who are desperately in love with each other. In a good way. And again, I envy that. I envy the couples in movies like A Walk to Remember and The Notebook. I envy that I-cant-get-enough-of-you-I-love-you-too-much-I’d-risk-anything. I envy all that.

Or maybe,it’s just me being a hopeless romantic. Lately,I’ve been uninspired in love and all I get is pain and heartache. Don’t get me wrong,I don’t have a boyfriend. But I do have this guy. I met him back in highschool,we got into a relationship and we broke up. Why? He left me without a word. And well after two years,here we go again. They say it’s destiny. I don’t really know if I believe in that. Probably a little. I’m still not convinced. We had a good start,quite like in the movies actually. The usual I’m-with-a-guy-now-and-I-let-him-go-cause-you-came-back-and-it’s-only-you-I-want type. I have to admit,he really tried to make up for what he did to me before. He took me to places,gave me gifts,spent all his time with me,drove for me,all of it. Those days when I felt like I’m on drugs cause everything was happening all too perfectly. And I guess that was the catch. That doesn’t really happen. or atleast that doesn’t last forever. Now,I feel that everything is different. We barely talk now. We barely see each other. He’s into his computer games now. Which at first was okay. I mean,I’m not that girl who restricts his man with something that he likes to do. But I feel taken for granted. Maybe I was being too nice? He plays whenever he wants. I never asked him to stop playing. I never asked him to stop playing for me even if it meant just watching and waiting for him to finish. I’ve always done things for him. I wait for him after class, I would always be there for him when he needs me, I let him get through stress. Anything I can. For him. Lately we’ve been fighting a lot. Every week we would fight about something. We fought once because of jealousy and him having a high temper. We fought recently cause he was being insensitive. He’s always been. The other night,while he was playing his computer game,I told him that i had to go already cause my mom was getting mad. He didn’t want me to. And I stayed. I stayed while he was playing. I confronted him about it. Well,honestly,then and there,I had enough. I’ve always wanted a guys whose consistent. I’ve always wanted to be someone’s princess. I want a guy who can manage making me happy and at the same time balancing all other aspects in life. I want that he can balance his time playing,studying,sleeping,going out. That would really make someone a man. So there I was, I walked out. My thoughts only on going home and leaving him for good. But I only found myself taking a step back,turning around and going back. I changed my mind about leaving him without saying a word. I thought that he deserved do know what was wrong so that maybe he’d learn. Truthfully, this is not the first time I wanted to leave him. So going back,when we we’re talking about it,he just held my hand and i don’t know. Everything seemed alright. What the fuck is wrong with me? Just one touch and great,I’m back. Like nothing happened. Like I did not feel pain or anything.

Right now,I feel very confused. I want to leave him cause I don’t know exactly what I feel for him. I’m not even sure if I do love him. Yes,we did have those moments where it felt like it’s just the two of us in the world but I’m not sure if that’s enough right now. I want to leave him and yet the moment I see him,my heart melts. I guess I’m a sucker for love. Or maybe just attention. Or maybe,I’m just easy to please. Or that words can easily get to me. I’m tired of feeling this shit. I just don’t get why it seems like the heartache is greater than the love. I’m not sure if it’s all worth it. And is it possible to actually love and hate someone this much at the same time? Maybe a just miss him? or Maybe i just miss the thought of having someone love you so much that any guy that comes along in my life would instantly do that for me. I don’t know.

I realized I’m the one to blame. I easily gave in. But i don’t think it’s too late yet. I can still take a step back. I can’t believe I thought that I was finally ready to get involved again. I was wrong. I should probably just breath first. Get back to being the badass that I am and not over think things. I should just get back to not giving a fuck about anything. I should just go with the flow and have fun. I should not let myself get in to whatever this is. There’s still time to recover before it gets worse. So yeah,I’ll shrug this one off. I’ll get back up. Live my life. He’s not my life to begin with. So wtf am i doing here? Ciao!

On Nostalgia

You know the irritating little icons on the right side of your Facebook page? The ones wherein they show albums from your past? Yeah,the humiliating ones. The ones where you look a thousand times uglier. Well, I saw one album from my high school year that took me back there. It was my friend’s,Hazel. Her album was entitled “Our Year” which was true cause it was our last. Our Year,Senior Year. Then and there,as I was looking through the pictures,I realized I do miss high school. I miss all those fun times. I actually don’t remember having bad ones. I mean,I do but it’s like they never even existed. They did happen but the pain was unlike before. Time does heal. I remember getting bored in class and all I can think about is dismissal and going out after. Life was much much easier. Don’t get me wrong,I love college but it’s not as fun anymore. Life is more serious here. Like everything mattered. That every little detail counts.

All these times I kept on denying to myself that I miss high school. I would tell my friends back then that I miss them all but I never really meant it. I don’t know,cause if I did I would go to every gimiks that they invited me to. I would attend everybody’s debut. But guess what, I did not. I can count with my fingers the number of times I’ve attended something with them. And I regret it. I know that my relationship with all of my highschool friends have been stained. I just feel bad that I was not able to keep that same level of friendship with them. And what sucks more is that I know this and yet I don’t know what’s wrong with me because I’m not doing anything about it. I hope that one day I wake up,hit my head and  actually make it up to each and everyone of them. And maybe then,I would not feel this certain sadness anymore.